You know when the universe is talking to you and it is sending you signs or messages? Last month I gave a presentation on Mental Health and Well-Being in the Workplace. By the way, this topic is an employer (business) imperative. We had a FABULOUS conversation, and the attendees had some terrific observations and “add-ons” to the discussion. During our time together we covered some key points about the need for self-care. Whenever I do a program like this I ALWAYS talk about negative self-talk and how damaging that can be to us as individuals.
Well, that took place on a recent Friday. Within three days I had two emails from people I highly respect with messages about Self-Doubt and Self-Confidence also talking about how hurtful negative self-talk can be. To me this is a sign. A message that three individuals (two of them on the same coast; one not, two of us in the HR space; one not, two are authors; one is not, all of us educators in some realm and all delivering messages using different channels) and all are sharing, discussing and dare I say signaling there is a need for more discussion on this topic. Perhaps this is a signal that there is a level of concern that many are experiencing something, or we are working with people who need support in this area, or we all could use a little more “valuing”.
Here are some of the collective “take-aways” to putting these concerns behind us that I would like to share with you and then you can let me know what resonated with you:
- Self-Doubt and Negative Self-Talk
- Fear of failure
- Non-stop self-criticism
- Imposter syndrome
Your brain’s number one job is to protect you. So, if it thinks something will hurt you physically or emotionally it talks to you encouraging you not to do something. So, one option is for your brain to have a monologue with itself and fill your head with doubt and negative self- talk and it can sound like:
- “You can’t do that. You are not special”
- “Your work is not unique enough…”
- “Why did I do that? That is not the way it’s supposed to look.”
- “What in the heck are you thinking?”
- “You don’t have the right academic credentials…”
The thoughts and self-talk you engage in can either help you achieve your goals or hinder your progress. If your inner dialogue is filled with phrases like “I’m going to embarrass myself” or “No one will talk to me”, you are unlikely to seem relaxed and approachable at a social gathering. Similarly, if you’re thinking, “I’m never going to get this job” during an interview, it can be challenging to present yourself confidently. These negative thoughts often become self-fulfilling prophecies.
This deflating inner chatter can be so draining. These are all symptoms of self-doubt and the biggest obstacles on your way to truly flourishing. Any time you find yourself saying “coulda, woulda, shoulda” done something, that is fear, in some form. When you kick fear and self-limiting belief to the curb, you allow yourself to succeed. You give yourself permission and the freedom to be strong and achieve the success that you deserve.
No one is alone in experiencing this kind of self-doubt, not in the least. Many highly accomplished, successful professionals, entrepreneurs, and leaders have struggled with some form of self-doubt. No amount of external validation, success, or accomplishments makes a significant dent. Why? Because you have to alter what is going on inside first.
Research suggests that people who use positive self-talk can encourage themselves, manage stress better, have lower rates of depression, and achieve more goals than those who listen to the repetitive mental chatter that tears them down. Because talking to yourself isn’t just a confidence booster; it changes how you think about yourself, says Kross and his team in their study, “Self-Talk as a Regulatory Mechanism: How You Do It Matters.”
So, how do you begin healing self-doubt?
- First, recognize that it takes time. It’s an old, ingrained habit and it takes time and a lot of inner work to shift.
- Next, understand, it is not easy to do this work on our own because it’s hard to see ourselves objectively. It is one thing to be self-aware, it is another to make sure the “stories” (excuses or reinforcing content to your stories) you’ve been telling yourself are neutral and bias free. Having a mentor or coach in this area can be extremely helpful with the goal of guiding you.
Here are things you can do to get yourself started down the path:
- Nurture Self-Compassion. Self-compassion is about treating yourself with love, care, and support, the way you treat someone you love. When you cultivate self-compassion, you help your brain feel safer – it feels loved and cared for, so it can relax out of its fear-based fight-freeze-flight mode. And when your brain feels safer, it reduces the volume on self-doubt thoughts, which arise from fear.
- Recognize that it us only fear standing in your way and that you can achieve your goals. Ask yourself, “Is this impossible for someone else?” If they can do it, then I can too.
- Tell Negative Nelly to Hush Up. Give that voice in your head (feel free to give them a name) the credit they deserve for trying to protect and keep you safe by saying thank you and you acknowledge their efforts and “I am moving ahead”. You know that fear is an emotion (the feelings are real) and again it works to prevent us from harm, but fear is something that can be conquered. You need to know the difference between real and perceived.
- Reflect On Your Past Progress. Our brains have a negativity bias and they focus on all things that are wrong or not enough. This is why your brain is so loud about all the ways you’re not good enough. Reflecting on your past wins, ways you’ve overcome adversity, challenged yourself, grew in meaningful ways, helps you refocus your attention on your strengths – ways you’re GREAT enough.
- Ask Yourself A Question. Are you too critical of yourself? Ask yourself this question: Would you say this to your five-year-old self? Would you tell your five-year-old self they’re not smart enough, overweight, or untalented? Of course not! You’d tell them to believe in themselves and that they can do anything. So, if you wouldn’t dare be so harsh to your younger self, why do it now? Self-confidence can be fragile at any age, and we must be sure that we’re doing everything possible to support ourselves.You would never let your best friend talk to themselves the way you talk to yourself. You’re kind to everyone else. You support them in a variety of ways. Support yourself too!
- Connect To Your Sense Of Purpose. We derive a sense of purpose when what we do meaningfully contributes to something greater than ourselves. Focusing on your purpose and how what you’re doing contributes to someone else shifts your brain out of its constant loop of referencing self and into a mindset of good and helping others. This process naturally quiets your self-criticism and self-doubt.
- Practice Positive Affirmations. Affirmations are credible, present-tense statements that oppose your self-sabotaging, negative thoughts. For example, you can try any of these:
-
- I am enough.
- I am in the right place, at the right time, doing the right thing.
- I can do hard things.
- I believe in myself.
- I am worthy of what I desire.
- I am proud of myself and my achievements.
- I trust myself to make the right decisions.
- I trust that I’m heading in the right direction.
- I allow myself to make mistakes as they help me grow.
- I accept myself exactly as I am without judgment.
- I have everything I need to achieve my goals.
The goal is to learn how to make other things more important for your brain to focus on so self-doubt cannot dominate your thinking. It might still be there, but it’s in the corner, not front and center and getting in your way of being and living the life you want.
I would be interested in hearing from you. Do you or have you struggled with self-doubt or self-criticism? What have you found helps you put those thoughts in the corner? I would love to hear some other ideas and suggestions.